Cardio Plan - Week One

So, I thought I would start the New Year with a cardio plan and then see how close I can stick to my plan. Here is my Week One plan.  Note that I start my Running Program on Saturday of this first week.

Mon - Yoga 1-2 7:30PM; Treadmill workout/crossover lateral trainer (No yoga as the place closes early today)
Tues - Kickboxing 6:30PM;  Treadmill workout/crossover lateral trainer, (so far, I've gotten in 30 mins of Elliptical and 15mins of Bike)
Wed - Kickboxing 6:30PM; Treadmill workout/crossover lateral trainer
Thurs - Boxing/KB Combo 12:15PM; Treadmill workout/crossover lateral trainer
Fri - OFF
Sat - Yoga 1-2 10:30AM; Running Program starts at 7AM
Sun - OFF

Another Treadmill Variation - 2010

Here is another variation of a Treadmill workout I did in 2010. No speed is indicated so I pushed myself.  I probably couldn't run faster than about 5.5 for the 60s sprint at that time and obviously it was a short Treadmill drill as I was just getting into shape.  Not sure what I could this at now as I have been hurt and out of running shape for much of this year.

Treadmill
Warm-up with a 5 min walk.

• 60/60s - Run/Walk (5x)
• 30/30s - Run/Walk (5x)
• 10/10s - Run/Walk (3x)
• 10/20s - Run/Walk (2x)
• 10/30s - Run/Walk (2x)

OMG... this rut I'm stuck in is two sizes too small

I'm definitely feeling a little green and sort Grinch-y like.  My heart is the perfect size.  It's this dratted rut I'm standing in that is 2 sizes to small for me.  Or maybe my perspective is turned askew. 

Lemme just say, I recognize that I have a pretty nice life compared to so many people in this world.  I could make a list of all the wonderful things God has given and done for me.  Great family?  Check.  Nice friends? Check.  ... and so goes my list.  I'm thankful for all God has given me.  There's just something missing.  I feel blue and weepy all the time and it's getting old.

My weightloss goal was completely on track at the end of 2009 and all of 2010.  I had lost almost 60lbs and had about 65 more to go when I sprung my SI joint in February of this year, and things derailed quickly from that point.  I'm ashamed to admit how far I've spiraled out of control and I don't seem to be able to catch myself and turn the corner back in the weightloss direction.  I'm stuck in a very deep and very narrow rut and I can't get myself out.  And if I don't get out soon, I will have undone almost 1+ years of very hard work *sigh*

I used to love working out, and now it just seems like a big "fat" chore.  I'm either getting hurt or I'm tired and supremely frustrated and my enjoyment is gone.  That makes me so sad I want to weep even more.  Viscious cycle.  Deep ugly rut.  Weepy and feeling blue.  Sleep.  Deep ugly rut.  Weepy and feeling blue.  Sleep.  In my heart, and even in my head, I know change is going to have to come and that is kinda scary.  I don't see any other way to get back on track though.  I don't know exactly what that change is and I don't exactly know how it will be manifested.  I just know it's coming.

Variations of my Treadmill workouts - 2010

Here is one of my treadmill workouts that I used in 2010.  I have included the speed I was doing my sprints at and because of the vertigo, I did not use an incline.  I cannot step off a moving treadmill because of the way it impacts my vertigo so any place that it says rest was a slowed down walk for me.

Treadmill Workout

1. Walk .25 mile (1 track lap)
2. Walk or Run .5 mile (2 track laps)
3. 10s sprint (7.5)
4. 10s rest
5. Repeat 3 and 4 (2 x)
6. 10s sprint (7.5)
7. 20s rest
8. Repeat 6 and 7 (3x)
9. 10s sprint (7.5)
10. 30s rest
11. Repeat 9 and 10 (5x)
12. 30s sprint (6.2 - 6.5)
13. 30s rest
14. Repeat 12 and 13 (10x)

I will add more as time allows.

Dreams interrupted by Sleep

Haven't had uninterrupted, blank "I'm just out" sleep in a while.  I know they say everyone dreams at night, and 99% of the time I remember my dreams.  Last night I was just out.  That was way better than Tuesday night.  I can no longer tell you in exacting detail what I was dreaming about on Tuesday, but I was very sad when I woke up and I didn't enjoy that.  My whole day and how I interacted or didn't with people was tempered by that dream.  I know I am supposed to be making a change that I don't want to make.

I am a firm believer that dreams are important.  You can call me crazy, but I completely and without guilt believe that the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob speaks to us in our dreams.  I can't say this for anyone else, but He probably uses that avenue with me because I won't shut up and listen any other way when I am awake and He has to get to the heart or spirit of the matter.  And no, not every dream I have do I believe that it is God speaking to me in it.  Sometimes, you just know though.

I tend to work out my waking problems in my dreams and I have the weirdest tendency to relive childhood jobs in mine.  I have had the same dream over and over and over for years.  It varies only slightly from one occurrence to the next and is so real, sometimes I wake up very startled.  I have had dreams where I was absolutely afraid but I knew while I was dreaming that I could wake up at any time. 
I have one reoccurring set of dreams that always involve the same person.  This person means more to me than anyone but my mom.  These dreams are so vivid and real that I have cried waking up because the situation around this person has not changed and I would much rather stay in the dream.  The dreams return to me like clockwork on a regular basis.

I don't know why we dream the way we do.  I do know that stress and unhappiness can bleed into our dreams and that we should pay attention to them.  I look at my dreams, and basically the state of my sleep, and I try to understand what is going on.  Do I have too much stress?  Is something or someone making me unhappy?  Am I having issues that I can't or won't deal with any other way?  Is there unforgiveness in me?  Is God telling me something?

Today's page ripped from my Cardio Log

Okay, so no training today *bummer*.  This will be the first week that I don't train at all and I'm not even sick or out of town.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Okay, I don't like it at ALL.  There I said it.  It did afford me the opportunity to go to Champion Fitness instead though.  It was great!  Not really all over the treadmills, WillowBend's were better, but I loved the crossover lateral trainer.  Ten minutes on that and my legs were stiff and I just might feel them tomorrow.  The gym was fairly interesting. It's bi-level with all 50 pieces of cardio upstairs with the weights and the boxing ring and boxing room with heavy bags were downstairs.  While I was there it wasn't very busy. 

As a matter-o-fact, the only other patron upstairs jumped on the crossover lateral trainer too and we had to figure out how to use it together.  It was great!  We got off and started chatting.  The sentiment was, WOW, that was kinda intense.  Neither he or I lasted more than 10 minutes.

Today's cardio (the first in a long, long time) went something like this:

• 10 mins on the Crossover Lateral Trainer
• 10 mins of 1:1 walking/inclines on the Treadmill
• 25 mins on the Elliptical

Day FIVE - And the sadness of decisions...

I have forgotten how to take this walk on my own and I'm not so very excited about that thought.  I've never been very successful at it.  I hate change, but I've seen other people be successful walking on their own and I wonder why I can't do that too.  Actually, that's a whole other topic and better left for another sad day :) I'm not ready to try this by myself.  I'm not prepared and I should be, but I'm not.

Changes are indicative of actions that we must take.  In the grand scheme of things these actions made me teary today and very sad because change is about to come whether or not I am ready for it or even want it.   About 1:30AM today my phone chirped that little "you have a text message" chirp.  At that early hour of the morning on a Tuesday, I knew who it was immediately and I knew I wasn't going to like what it said.  I wasn't asleep yet so I guess it didn't matter much.  The wee early AM texts on Tues/Thursdays always indicate change is coming to the start of my day.  If my day is going to change, why does it have to be at such an early, early hour??  I mean seriously...

I am fully prepared, and actually shocked, when we pass the 3:30AM mark on a Tuesday or a Thursday and there are no little text chirps to wake up to.  These changes are never set in stone and I've begun to have terrible and sad dreams because I know something needs to change and I don't feel ready to make that change.  Life changes, and I can roll with that.  It's just what it is.  Every day brings ups and downs and things change on the spur of the moment for everyone.  This change I'm not rolling with so well.

My morning did get all screwed up just as I thought *sigh* and what happened next was exactly as I expected except this time I got irritated and threw my phone across the car. First, that was the wrong thing to do.  Wrong emotion.  Wrong feeling.  Wrong reason to be upset.  Simply the wrong way to handle the situation. It was rather childish and served to accomplish nothing.  I'm very easy going and generally really patient but even I can look at the situation and see that things aren't working very well anymore and this just further enforced something I don't want to see.

Honestly, I might have been less unhappy but changing my day right as I am driving up just hit a nerve.  Why could we not cancel the day at 1:30AM?  That would have been fine. And yes, I kinda got pissy as I drove by and realized people were where you wouldn't expect them.  So goes life and that should not be cause for such distress.

Day TWO - held hostage by the baggage

Okay, so I've been awake for a few hours.  I went to bed really late last night this morning as I have this odd proclivity to start cleaning my home at like 2 in the morning. About an hour later, I woke up from dead sleep because someone was banging on my door.  Finally stopped thinking about that and went back to bed, only to sleep a solid 5 more "I didn't move" hours.  When I say I didn't move, I pretty much didn't move.  I was out!!

As far as the cleaning so late, I don't know why I do that.  That's why Mondays and work can get a little dicey for me sometimes. Not sure exactly why I get the overpowering need to clean at 2 in the morning, but I got my kitchen cleaned, and clean sheets on my bed, and my bathroom cleaned.  Now to figure out what to do with all this stupid scrapbook stuff so I can clean the living room and the dining table.  I really hate my tendency to collect crap.  I call it the "collector" gene.  It's actually a patch for a deeper problem and I know it's wrong, insane and stupid to have all this stuff.  Yuck!! 

I would like to point out, I am in no danger of being on hoarders.  There is just too much stuff in my world for comfort though.  I have this rule that I try to live by. And yes, hoarders the tv show scares me.  If I had to get up and leave this place tomorrow, I should be able to put the important stuff in one box, put the cat in her carrier, grab some clothes and shoes and be out the door.  Can't happen at the moment with all the sundry stuff in my life.  There is too much baggage holding me down.

Day ONE - The Peppermint Vomit Factor

So, this is day 1 of 365 days of changes.  I'd like to say that this first day of change has gone exceptionally and amazingly well. Umm.. Yeah, that would be a big blazing fat NO!!  And I do mean FAT no.  Step one is to stop lying about it.  Here goes:

Let me just run down my list of what was eaten today and you can note the problem.  Yes, I know better, but rebellion and laziness is getting the better of self-control and reasonableness.  I have no one to blame but me in this mess.

The Day's List
Protein bar
Pepsi Max (when it gets to having the after taste of vomit, it's time to stop drinking this crap.)
Protein bar
More Pepsi Max
Ramen Noodles
Small peppermint candy canes (I'd like to tell you it was a serving but it was more like 4)
Grilled Chicken Wrap
Small Tater Tots
3/4 of a Corn dog
And enough Peppermint sugar cookies to make me seriously contemplate vomitting.

I'm pretty sure this is well over 2000 calories and very little decent protein and nary a green veggie in sight.  Blech, I feel sick to my stomach and rather fat right now.  I want to vomit and get this poison out of my system.

The bright spot??  I just threw out the remaining cookies and cookie dough so that I could not ingest any more of this junk. The mere thought is making me want to heave.

Variation of my track workouts - 2010

I am posting all my different track workouts that an old trainer made for me.  I have many handwritten variations of these plans.  I wish I had dated them so I could appreciate the progression I made.  Remembering that for next time will be important.  In the interim, I need to contain them some where so I can stop misplacing them.  I have to say every day older I get, I think a few more brain cells die.  Especially those used to remember where stuff is.  I misplace things all the time.  I really need to kick the diet soda habit as Aspertame is actually probably killing even more cells then time ever could.

To give you some idea of where I was health wise when doing these various track workouts, I was between 214-230lbs.  I love to run and both my former trainer/boxing instructor who made these for me, and my current trainer knew this and always encouraged me to keep doing it because it motivates me to move.  Anyone that is over their ideal weight that can get up and move should.  You need to do it at the level you are comfortable with that is safe and healthy for you. 

I'm pretty much an overachiever. That's why being overweight has broken my heart so many times.  I figure, if it doesn't absolutely put my life in jeapordy, no one can convince not to run or workout hard, or train like the athlete my head thinks I am.  That's just how I roll.  I'm not a thrill junkie and I definitely don't want an adrenaline rush.  But I hate to fail.  And being overweight has been a failure to me. 

People used to tell me all the time that I shouldn't be doing this or that because I was still too heavy, but I didn't listen and I almost never got hurt. Why? Because I was happy and enjoyed what I was doing.  The year I did these I was only slightly hurt a couple times with some strained muscles in my achilles and my shoulder.  This year has been so much different and I've moved much, much less and been hurt far worse.

I figure God gave me two good legs and feet and the ability to put them to use.  Why waste and take for granted what some people can only wish for, right?  Sitting on my behind all day and not moving sounds safe to some, but it was killing me far faster than running ever would.

These took me anywhere from around 30 mins - 1+ hours to complete depending on how hard I pushed myself.

Track Workout One

• Walk 1 Lap
• Run 1 lap
• 5 - 50s
• 4 - 100s
• 3 - 200s
• 1 - 400

Track Workout Two

• Walk 1 lap
• Run 1 lap
• 1 - 400
• 3 - 200s
• 4 - 100s
• 5 - 50s

Track Workout Three

• Walk 1 lap
• Run 1 lap
• 5 - 100s
• 1 - 400
• 5 - 100s
• 1 - 400

Track Workout Four

• Walk 1 lap
• Run 1 lap
• 2 - 200s
• 1 - 400
• 2 - 200s
• 1 - 400

Guilt, Shame and all the weight we carry...

Let me just say, I don't write any of my posts for anyone other than me.  If I sound like I'm rambling, I probably am.  For anyone that reads my little blurbs of thought and can relate or likes them, thank you.  This is more or less my online diary laid bare.  My every day struggle with weightloss is right here in all its glorious detail - warts and all :)  The good and the bad, and the ugly and sweet.

Being overweight comes with so many weird little challenges.  The negativity of the people who judge you with such candor couched in the guise of help.  The meanness of those that think they can judge you behind your back and to your face.  The blankness of the people that look right through you because some how being over weight is like a disease you catch. The sweetness of the people doing their very best to help you, while you are sabotoging their efforts because you can't figure out that happy AND healthy coexist.  The sheer volume of weight that is weighing you down, be it emotional or physical.  I can't say this for anyone other than myself, but I know the amount of weight I currently carry is directly proportional to all the guilt and shame and fear I carry in my heart.

I started this post about 5 days ago and I'm still of the opinion that this is true.  I've been thinking about it.  Mulling it this way and that and trying to come to terms with what I know is true.  Guilt, shame and fear all have bulk and substance and they bring a downward force to the scale.  Wouldn't we all like to believe that *snap, poof* and it's all gone were true?

Isaiah 58

¹Cry aloud, spare not, lift up thy voice like a trumpet, and shew my people their transgression, and the house of Jacob their sins.
 ²Yet they seek me daily, and delight to know my ways, as a nation that did righteousness, and forsook not the ordinance of their God: they ask of me the ordinances of justice; they take delight in approaching to God.
 ³Wherefore have we fasted, say they, and thou seest not? wherefore have we afflicted our soul, and thou takest no knowledge? Behold, in the day of your fast ye find pleasure, and exact all your labours.
 ⁴Behold, ye fast for strife and debate, and to smite with the fist of wickedness: ye shall not fast as ye do this day, to make your voice to be heard on high.
 ⁵Is it such a fast that I have chosen? a day for a man to afflict his soul? is it to bow down his head as a bulrush, and to spread sackcloth and ashes under him? wilt thou call this a fast, and an acceptable day to the LORD?
 ⁶Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke?
 ⁷Is it not to deal thy bread to the hungry, and that thou bring the poor that are cast out to thy house? when thou seest the naked, that thou cover him; and that thou hide not thyself from thine own flesh?
 ⁸Then shall thy light break forth as the morning, and thine health shall spring forth speedily: and thy righteousness shall go before thee; the glory of the LORD shall be thy reward.
 ⁹Then shalt thou call, and the LORD shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am. If thou take away from the midst of thee the yoke, the putting forth of the finger, and speaking vanity;
 ¹⁰And if thou draw out thy soul to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted soul; then shall thy light rise in obscurity, and thy darkness be as the noon day:
 ¹¹And the LORD shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.
 ¹²And they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places: thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of paths to dwell in.
 ¹³If thou turn away thy foot from the sabbath, from doing thy pleasure on my holy day; and call the sabbath a delight, the holy of the LORD, honourable; and shalt honour him, not doing thine own ways, nor finding thine own pleasure, nor speaking thine own words:
 ¹⁴Then shalt thou delight thyself in the LORD; and I will cause thee to ride upon the high places of the earth, and feed thee with the heritage of Jacob thy father: for the mouth of the LORD hath spoken it.

Cinnamon is my kryptonite and Friday's foodlog (nom nom nom, sniffle, yuck)

Cinnamon is like poison to me.  It makes me pretty miserable if I accidentally ingest it or if I get caught by the cinnamon pine cones that are so prevalent this time of year.  I can't breath, my throat and tongue swell, I get blisters in my mouth, I get the invisible rash and my face feels like a huge balloon.  All sorts of fun things, short of anaphylaxis (thank you God!)  If you don't have a cinnamon allergy, it's probably hard to figure out why cinnamon would be so difficult to avoid.  People use it in all sorts of things that you wouldn't expect.  I have learned over time that when a package uses the term "spices" cinnamon is probably present.  I do the best I can to stay away from it and then I hope for the best.

So, I am paying for the molasses cookie that I had yesterday.  It never occurred to me that that they had cinnamon (don't ask me why I didn't guess) in them.  When I woke feeling bad today, I couldn't figure out what was wrong.  I haven't been sick but my tongue was blistered and my throat and tongue were swollen.  Lessen learned.  I shouldn't have been eating them in the first place.  Thanks for the reminder!!

On to the foodlog:

Breakfast:

• Protein bar

Lunch:

• Protein bar
• Chicken Noodle soup (helps my sinuses don't ask me why)

Dinner:

• Taco and a burrito (from Taco bell)

A page from my "fat" history...

A little of my "fat" history... I haven't always been obese.  I was big for my age when I was little, but I was not clinically obese.  I was chubby until I was about 14 and started playing sports.  Like many, I come from a family with terrible eating and exercising habits.  The weight I gained in the last 10 years has been extremely hard for me to take off.  I gained 50lbs in one month in 2001 after I had been laid off from my job and I have yet to completely keep that weight off.  As a child, I guess my parents/aunts considered me fat; well, at least until I was bout 14, because they made sure to point out my weight at every chance they got and send me on some crushing and stupid diets.  Some they initiated (herbalife.. blech, nasty stuff to an 11 year old) and some I initiated (I can seriously starve myself if I put my mind to it.) 

Like many people struggling with their weight, I have a terrible food identity.  Food is crisis inducing for me.  I always say I hate it, but maybe I just resent that I cannot be reasonable with it.  Feast or famine, I have no middle ground.  I can eat or I can starve in equal parts.  I use food for comfort and safety, but mostly I use it to hide or as a punishment.

I have to believe it is a pretty common sentiment, but I absolutely hate to have people look at me.  Makes me want to crawl in a hole and hide.  And no, I do not have self-esteem issues, I just don't trust peoples motives and I have deeply personal reasons for wanting to be wall paper.  Most people will look right through you or ignore you in general when you are overweight.  What better way to stay invisible and out of the way than to deliberately put on the cloak of obesity.

I've never had anyone, other than my family, say a mean thing about my weight to my face.  If they say it behind my back, how am I gonna know.  I mean seriously. I'm already fairly tall for a girl, and I build muscle fairly easily, so I always feel like an amazon anyway. 

I don't like my family to make a big deal over my weightloss.  My mom and I have come to an understanding, it's nice to acknowledge that I have lost weight, but don't make a big deal over it and please don't gush on me.  My mom is one of the kindest people I know and she would not deliberately hurt anyone, but it used to almost make me physically sick when she would grab my arm and do what I call the "fat test."

Stress Eating - Thursday's foodlog (nom nom nom)

Okay, so today was somewhat better eating wise.  I managed to eat a breakfast, lunch and dinner and no, they weren't great but I got them in.  Still am very dehydrated.  I really want some soup for Supper but I've had it almost every night for weeks.  I need the sodium I think or the zinc.  Not sure which one.

Pre-workout:

• 1 Whey protein shot

Breakfast:

• 1 medium apple w 2 tablespoon crunchy PB
• 1 Whey protein shot (I didn't feel like boiling eggs)
• 2 slices Ezekiel bread w 1 serving of "I Can't Believe It's not Butter"

Lunch:

• 1 6in Turkey Breast on Honey Oat Subway sandwich with 1.5 cups of lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles, black olives and cucumbers with .5 serving of Ranch Dressing
• Baked Lays BBQ

Supper:

• 1 medium slice of pizza
• molasses cookies

Stress Eating - Wednesday's Foodlog (nom, nom, nom, blech...)

So my blood pressure dropped back to a more normal range and I am far less hurt and upset by my job today.  You just shouldn't make sweeping life decisions when you're so upset your head is going to pop a blood vessel.  Why I think I have any control of the situation I'm in is beyond me. *sigh*  I can only control me and my own actions.  And if I wanted to be liked by everyone, I guess I shouldn't be a QA Analyst, because no one ever likes the person who tells you what is wrong all the time.  It's just a part of the job pointing out that code is wrong or process is wrong or... or... or...

Another bad eating day, but I think I'm gonna take what control I can and do some cardio.  I may not be able to change certain circumstances but I can get up and move and no one can take that from me.

Breakfast:
Nothing decent though I did start the day with a Red Velvet Sugar cookie... I didn't feel less stressed until after I got that first meeting out of the way and hashed things out with the Manager of the group that I work with.  I personally hate conflict which is hard when your job is to tell someone the bugs in their code or process all the time.  I have one type of logic and developers have another.

Lunch:

• Wheat wrap with Mustard, 2 cups of lettuce, some onions and pickles, and about 2-3oz of Chicken.
• Baked BBQ lays

Snack:

• Spicy chicken (no BBQ sauce)
• Small piece of Peppermint Brownie and a little square of fudge

Dinner:

• Chicken Noodle Soup

Snack:

• Medium Apple with 2.5 tbsp of Peanut Butter

Stress Eating Day #2 - Tuesday's foodlog (nom nom nom)

So my level of stress was no better today.  It was actually much worse.  The blood pressure was some where around 143/98 and I could feel it.  I don't normally have high blood pressure but that is how very, and yes unreasonably, angry I was today.  I won't bore you with the gory details, but work really got to me.

So here is the foodlog:

Breakfast:
Nothing

Lunch:
Nothing

Snack #1:

• Medium apple with some peanut butter

Dinner:

• Turkey sandwhich
• Grapefruit
• Salad
• 2 Sugar cookies.

Stress and eating - Foodlog from Monday (nom nom nom)

I am a terrible stress eater.  When I'm overwhelmed and totally overloaded with stress, I seem to stop drinking water (way dehydrated right now) and there goes the breakfast, and by the end of the day, yuck!  I either won't eat or I go to the opposite end of the spectrum.  I have no middle ground, and if you know me, you know that is no lie. 

Monday's eating log went something like this:

Breakfast:

I had it in my hand (egg whites and an apple) but by the time I got to work, I didn't stop from the moment I got there and breakfast became an after thought.  It's currently sitting in the fridge at work while I work from home today.  I was also pretty near to tears by that point so food and liquid were the last things on my mind.

Lunch:

Then the boss took us to Chuy's for Team Christmas lunch and things went much worse.  I did manage to eat, even though they brought me the wrong dish (there was no point sending it back, they were all kinds of confused).

• approximately 48oz of water
• some chips and salsa
• Corn Tortilla tacos (beef, I asked for Chicken) and part of the rice and beans

Dinner:

• Chicken Noodle soup
• Pink Salmon
• .5 a Coke

Not nearly a good eating day at all.

Starting the day by eating right (nom nom nom)

It's really true, breakfast makes or breaks a good eating day... well, at least for me :)  If I eat cleanly for breakfast, I am far less likely to eat bad through the rest of the day.  My brain just cannot allow me to ruin a good breakfast with junk for the rest of the day.  If my breakfast calories look high, it's because I tend to get the bulk of my calories in before 4PM and then have a salad and some type of fish in the evening (when I am eating cleanly.)

Today's breakfast (10AM):

• Medium Apple
• 1 Tbsp of Peanut Butter (Jif Extra Crunchy)
• 1 Whey protein shot
• 2 slices of Ezekial bread
• 1 tsp of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter"
• 14 oz of water

Calories:  510, Fats:  13.3g, Carbs:  59.6g, Fiber: 7.4g, Protein:  30.5g, Sodium: 366.8

Today's first snack (Noon)

• Protein Bar
• 16 oz water

Calories: 200, Fats:  12g, Carbs:  10g, Fiber:  1, Protein:  13g, Sodium: 100 g

Late Lunch (2:40PM)

• 6 in turkey breast on honey oat with veggies/no cheese and a hint of ranch dressing
• Baked Lays

Calories: 400, Fats:  6.5g, Carbs:  69g, Fiber:  7, Protein:  20g, Sodium: 1130 g

I started feeling sick again (I'm craving sodium and maybe it's potassium that I really need, idk.)

• Ramen Noodles

Calories: 361, Fats:  15.6g, Carbs:  45.7g, Fiber:  2.4g, Protein:  7.2g, Sodium: 1275 g

Today's page ripped from the Cardio Log...

Just sharing the Monday page from my cardio log.  I'll let you know if I fail or if I make it cuz it would sure be easy to be lazy in the AM.  Hugs ~ Kiki

My AM cardio:

• 3 mile walk/run (walk the curves/run the straights)
• 1 mile walk (cool down)

My PM cardio:

• 5 min walk treadmill
• 3 min med incline walk treadmill
• 2 min high incline walk treadmill
• Repeat bullets 2 and 3 for 30 mins
• 10 min stairmill
• 15 min elliptical

Absurd things I overheard...

I'm always amazed by the words that tumble out of a person.  I guess sometimes the inner monologue filter gets stuck or doesn't engage properly and the next thing you know, all sorts of wrong things start flying out of the mouth.  It's happened to me and probably happened to many of you.  I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.  I don't think every stupid and maybe thoughtless thing that is spoken is done so with a malicious heart.  Sometimes things are said with unintended consequences that keep the speaker from being able to pull their words back fast enough when they know they said something wrong.

My journey continues...

I'm not sure where to start my blog other than to say this... My weightloss journey has been exciting, and challenging.  I've had some super hi-highs (running an entire 5k without stopping) and devastatingly lo-lows (regaining 25lbs after springing my SI joint.)  I've had more than one moment where I wanted to give up.  I've spiraled out of control and had terrible days of eating where I wanted to drown my disappointment and frustration in a bucket of Krazy Cookie Dough ice cream.  Had my trainer not pulled me off the ledge a couple times, I would've seriusly contemplated quitting.  Where would that have left me?  Right back with all of my bad, compulsive habits - miserable and even more overweight.

As I regain my normal healthy weight, it's hard for me to imagine a moment where I won't feel like the 'girl in the fat suit' any more.  I think there is a chubby kid hiding in a lot of people.  Me included.  I have to hope that as my weight steadily goes down, and my physical endurance and strength continues to go up, that even if she doesn't go away, that chubby little girl will learn to stay quiet and stop being so afraid.

My journey isn't over.  There is still weight to lose, goals to reach, and challenges to be overcome.  Tomorrow is just another day (how very Scarlet of me I know.) 

Stay tuned and I will update you on my goals.  I was gonna do 100 goals in 1001 days but that's too long for me, so I have plans for a modified list.  I will also be sharing my daily workout schedule; details from my daily foodlog (with a few pictures for emphasis); all the classes I have plans to try; a couple reviews; and I'll even tell you about my fabu trainer.  See you tomorrow...

Hugs ~ Kiki