Thursday (1/12) - Foodlog

So today was fun.  Okay, no it wasn't.  I'm trying to overcome my cold or my allergies or maybe bronchitis and resist the people around me that want me to go to the doctor.  That takes so much energy.  And I can't do that...  go to the doctor that is.  It takes no faith to go to the doctor.  So today's eating kinda reflects how un-fabu I feel :( 

Breakfast

• 2 egg whites (sorry no whole egg, I just couldn't choke it down)
• small apple with peanut butter

Lunch

• Chicken noodle soup

Dinner

• Orange chicken Lean Cuisine
• Hot chocolate

Yeah, not very exciting.  Kinda reflects how yucky I feel.

Wednesday (1/11) - Foodlog

Eating today was kinda brutal as I am suffering the effects of a cold and nothing tastes good and all I want is soup.

Breakfast

• Granola bar

Lunch/Dinner

• 2 small cans of Chicken Noodle soup (like 5 servings total and oh... the zinc in that soup and hot liquid surely made my throat feel better.
• Pretzels

The very ugly part of my eating day.

• Mini blueberry donuts with cream cheese icing (I swore I was getting rid of that stupid machine.)

Tuesday (1/10) - Foodlog

Here is today's foodlog and not the world's best day.

Pre-workout

• Protein bar 

Breakfast

•  3 egg whites
• Grapefruit cup
• Crackers

Lunch

• Salad with Chicken
• 1 c of banana pudding

Snack

• Payday

Dinner

• Chicken Noodle Soup
• Drop biscuit
• Skim Milk

When things aren't good, they tend to be very bad...

Having a meltdown here.  I just did the stupidest most self-sabotaging food stupid thing I've done (at least a in a couple days.)  Since I blog to keep myself accountable I will tell you what I did.  I am a good example of eating disorder weird body yuck!  You've heard about people that hide food and do really weird things with it, that's me.  I can't keep a mix of any sort (like cookies, or muffins) in my house because I mix them, eat them raw and then trash them.  Don't know why and it is gross and way not healthy.  I don't hide it but there is no one in my house that tells me no, cuz I live and eat alone.  God help me if there was someone (yes, it should be me) telling me no.  The only people I hide food from are me, myself, and my trainer (cuz who wants to admit that weird little proclivity) and since hiding has the power to keep you bound and tied to shame, I'm gonna come right out and say this...

I went specifically to the grocery store before my fav show (Once Upon a Time) started tonight and here is what I bought:

• Eggs for egg whites tomorrow if I wash the pan (Big if, cuz I got to wash the pan.)
• 3 grapefruit cups
• 3 protein bars/2 zone bars
• Salad mix for 4 days of salads
• 2 Pepsi Max (because I obviously haven't stripped my body of enough calcium, enamel and Magnesium)
• Frosting (which I don't allow in my host under normal - non last two months circumstances)
• Blueberry Muffin mix
• 1/2 gallon of skim milk

I bought my niece and nephew a mini donut maker.  They never got it,as I opened it today.  Guess what has to leave my house tomorrow.  Mixed the blueberry muffins and ate them with the frosting.  I feel sick!

Stress Eating - Thursday's foodlog (nom nom nom)

Okay, so today was somewhat better eating wise.  I managed to eat a breakfast, lunch and dinner and no, they weren't great but I got them in.  Still am very dehydrated.  I really want some soup for Supper but I've had it almost every night for weeks.  I need the sodium I think or the zinc.  Not sure which one.

Pre-workout:

• 1 Whey protein shot

Breakfast:

• 1 medium apple w 2 tablespoon crunchy PB
• 1 Whey protein shot (I didn't feel like boiling eggs)
• 2 slices Ezekiel bread w 1 serving of "I Can't Believe It's not Butter"

Lunch:

• 1 6in Turkey Breast on Honey Oat Subway sandwich with 1.5 cups of lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles, black olives and cucumbers with .5 serving of Ranch Dressing
• Baked Lays BBQ

Supper:

• 1 medium slice of pizza
• molasses cookies

Stress Eating - Wednesday's Foodlog (nom, nom, nom, blech...)

So my blood pressure dropped back to a more normal range and I am far less hurt and upset by my job today.  You just shouldn't make sweeping life decisions when you're so upset your head is going to pop a blood vessel.  Why I think I have any control of the situation I'm in is beyond me. *sigh*  I can only control me and my own actions.  And if I wanted to be liked by everyone, I guess I shouldn't be a QA Analyst, because no one ever likes the person who tells you what is wrong all the time.  It's just a part of the job pointing out that code is wrong or process is wrong or... or... or...

Another bad eating day, but I think I'm gonna take what control I can and do some cardio.  I may not be able to change certain circumstances but I can get up and move and no one can take that from me.

Breakfast:
Nothing decent though I did start the day with a Red Velvet Sugar cookie... I didn't feel less stressed until after I got that first meeting out of the way and hashed things out with the Manager of the group that I work with.  I personally hate conflict which is hard when your job is to tell someone the bugs in their code or process all the time.  I have one type of logic and developers have another.

Lunch:

• Wheat wrap with Mustard, 2 cups of lettuce, some onions and pickles, and about 2-3oz of Chicken.
• Baked BBQ lays

Snack:

• Spicy chicken (no BBQ sauce)
• Small piece of Peppermint Brownie and a little square of fudge

Dinner:

• Chicken Noodle Soup

Snack:

• Medium Apple with 2.5 tbsp of Peanut Butter

Stress and eating - Foodlog from Monday (nom nom nom)

I am a terrible stress eater.  When I'm overwhelmed and totally overloaded with stress, I seem to stop drinking water (way dehydrated right now) and there goes the breakfast, and by the end of the day, yuck!  I either won't eat or I go to the opposite end of the spectrum.  I have no middle ground, and if you know me, you know that is no lie. 

Monday's eating log went something like this:

Breakfast:

I had it in my hand (egg whites and an apple) but by the time I got to work, I didn't stop from the moment I got there and breakfast became an after thought.  It's currently sitting in the fridge at work while I work from home today.  I was also pretty near to tears by that point so food and liquid were the last things on my mind.

Lunch:

Then the boss took us to Chuy's for Team Christmas lunch and things went much worse.  I did manage to eat, even though they brought me the wrong dish (there was no point sending it back, they were all kinds of confused).

• approximately 48oz of water
• some chips and salsa
• Corn Tortilla tacos (beef, I asked for Chicken) and part of the rice and beans

Dinner:

• Chicken Noodle soup
• Pink Salmon
• .5 a Coke

Not nearly a good eating day at all.

Starting the day by eating right (nom nom nom)

It's really true, breakfast makes or breaks a good eating day... well, at least for me :)  If I eat cleanly for breakfast, I am far less likely to eat bad through the rest of the day.  My brain just cannot allow me to ruin a good breakfast with junk for the rest of the day.  If my breakfast calories look high, it's because I tend to get the bulk of my calories in before 4PM and then have a salad and some type of fish in the evening (when I am eating cleanly.)

Today's breakfast (10AM):

• Medium Apple
• 1 Tbsp of Peanut Butter (Jif Extra Crunchy)
• 1 Whey protein shot
• 2 slices of Ezekial bread
• 1 tsp of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter"
• 14 oz of water

Calories:  510, Fats:  13.3g, Carbs:  59.6g, Fiber: 7.4g, Protein:  30.5g, Sodium: 366.8

Today's first snack (Noon)

• Protein Bar
• 16 oz water

Calories: 200, Fats:  12g, Carbs:  10g, Fiber:  1, Protein:  13g, Sodium: 100 g

Late Lunch (2:40PM)

• 6 in turkey breast on honey oat with veggies/no cheese and a hint of ranch dressing
• Baked Lays

Calories: 400, Fats:  6.5g, Carbs:  69g, Fiber:  7, Protein:  20g, Sodium: 1130 g

I started feeling sick again (I'm craving sodium and maybe it's potassium that I really need, idk.)

• Ramen Noodles

Calories: 361, Fats:  15.6g, Carbs:  45.7g, Fiber:  2.4g, Protein:  7.2g, Sodium: 1275 g

My journey continues...

I'm not sure where to start my blog other than to say this... My weightloss journey has been exciting, and challenging.  I've had some super hi-highs (running an entire 5k without stopping) and devastatingly lo-lows (regaining 25lbs after springing my SI joint.)  I've had more than one moment where I wanted to give up.  I've spiraled out of control and had terrible days of eating where I wanted to drown my disappointment and frustration in a bucket of Krazy Cookie Dough ice cream.  Had my trainer not pulled me off the ledge a couple times, I would've seriusly contemplated quitting.  Where would that have left me?  Right back with all of my bad, compulsive habits - miserable and even more overweight.

As I regain my normal healthy weight, it's hard for me to imagine a moment where I won't feel like the 'girl in the fat suit' any more.  I think there is a chubby kid hiding in a lot of people.  Me included.  I have to hope that as my weight steadily goes down, and my physical endurance and strength continues to go up, that even if she doesn't go away, that chubby little girl will learn to stay quiet and stop being so afraid.

My journey isn't over.  There is still weight to lose, goals to reach, and challenges to be overcome.  Tomorrow is just another day (how very Scarlet of me I know.) 

Stay tuned and I will update you on my goals.  I was gonna do 100 goals in 1001 days but that's too long for me, so I have plans for a modified list.  I will also be sharing my daily workout schedule; details from my daily foodlog (with a few pictures for emphasis); all the classes I have plans to try; a couple reviews; and I'll even tell you about my fabu trainer.  See you tomorrow...

Hugs ~ Kiki