A page from my "fat" history...

A little of my "fat" history... I haven't always been obese.  I was big for my age when I was little, but I was not clinically obese.  I was chubby until I was about 14 and started playing sports.  Like many, I come from a family with terrible eating and exercising habits.  The weight I gained in the last 10 years has been extremely hard for me to take off.  I gained 50lbs in one month in 2001 after I had been laid off from my job and I have yet to completely keep that weight off.  As a child, I guess my parents/aunts considered me fat; well, at least until I was bout 14, because they made sure to point out my weight at every chance they got and send me on some crushing and stupid diets.  Some they initiated (herbalife.. blech, nasty stuff to an 11 year old) and some I initiated (I can seriously starve myself if I put my mind to it.) 

Like many people struggling with their weight, I have a terrible food identity.  Food is crisis inducing for me.  I always say I hate it, but maybe I just resent that I cannot be reasonable with it.  Feast or famine, I have no middle ground.  I can eat or I can starve in equal parts.  I use food for comfort and safety, but mostly I use it to hide or as a punishment.

I have to believe it is a pretty common sentiment, but I absolutely hate to have people look at me.  Makes me want to crawl in a hole and hide.  And no, I do not have self-esteem issues, I just don't trust peoples motives and I have deeply personal reasons for wanting to be wall paper.  Most people will look right through you or ignore you in general when you are overweight.  What better way to stay invisible and out of the way than to deliberately put on the cloak of obesity.

I've never had anyone, other than my family, say a mean thing about my weight to my face.  If they say it behind my back, how am I gonna know.  I mean seriously. I'm already fairly tall for a girl, and I build muscle fairly easily, so I always feel like an amazon anyway. 

I don't like my family to make a big deal over my weightloss.  My mom and I have come to an understanding, it's nice to acknowledge that I have lost weight, but don't make a big deal over it and please don't gush on me.  My mom is one of the kindest people I know and she would not deliberately hurt anyone, but it used to almost make me physically sick when she would grab my arm and do what I call the "fat test."