Blogging out loud - Screaming 14 year old wants OUTTA here...

Writing things down is a source of therapy for me.  Normally, I write things down and hide the things I feel too ashamed to say and stick it in a drawer in one of a myriad of journals I keep.  I'd love to have one cohesive thought in one journal but alas... I do not.  Same way I do a book, I just pick something up and put a thought in it.  I read books 3 or 4 at a time.  My 'journals' are all over the place along with a collection of books. 

Writing is another source of hiding for me.  I can put the things I am too afraid and ashamed to say in a journal that no one will ever see and still feel the blighting anonymity of nobody ever really knowing what is going on.  Here is a secret.... If I ever allowed anyone to see my artwork, you might be surprised to know that some of the backgrounds cover things I wish to say out loud and but cannot reveal because they hurt. 

Writing is like hiding from the shame that we sometimes feel when looking in a mirror.  It has all the harsh edges of reality.  We can always say really ugly things in our writing.  There are things I won't even admit to in my journal for fear that someone would see it and judge the 'real' person writing.  What better way to lance a wound then to put it on a blog.

I can be real and open all at the same time.  You are privy to my story but only the parts I wish to share.  Everything else is safely tucked away in a lifeless journal, or locked away in my heart waiting for the day the wound heals over enough that I can say it out loud.

I probably should have started my blog with this, because it explains a lot.  It has taken the last two years for the torture to go away and for me to say it out loud.  What I have learned, I did not pick up through therapy.  If therapy works for you, keep going.  If I were going to have therapy, it would have started when I was 14 and my life changed forever.  Because that is when I really learned that hiding in plain sight behind a layer of fat was far safer and numbing for me. 

I want you to know, there is something very healing about being able to verbalize the shameful secrets we keep from ourselves and others.  Shame is always about control.  When you verbalize it and stop living secretive and afraid, it CANNOT control you.  It can't!  I will say it again... it CANNOT control who you are any longer.   Say it out loud and you will take the power away from the person, people or situation that is trying to make you feel ashamed. 

More to follow...

Guilt, Shame and all the weight we carry...

Let me just say, I don't write any of my posts for anyone other than me.  If I sound like I'm rambling, I probably am.  For anyone that reads my little blurbs of thought and can relate or likes them, thank you.  This is more or less my online diary laid bare.  My every day struggle with weightloss is right here in all its glorious detail - warts and all :)  The good and the bad, and the ugly and sweet.

Being overweight comes with so many weird little challenges.  The negativity of the people who judge you with such candor couched in the guise of help.  The meanness of those that think they can judge you behind your back and to your face.  The blankness of the people that look right through you because some how being over weight is like a disease you catch. The sweetness of the people doing their very best to help you, while you are sabotoging their efforts because you can't figure out that happy AND healthy coexist.  The sheer volume of weight that is weighing you down, be it emotional or physical.  I can't say this for anyone other than myself, but I know the amount of weight I currently carry is directly proportional to all the guilt and shame and fear I carry in my heart.

I started this post about 5 days ago and I'm still of the opinion that this is true.  I've been thinking about it.  Mulling it this way and that and trying to come to terms with what I know is true.  Guilt, shame and fear all have bulk and substance and they bring a downward force to the scale.  Wouldn't we all like to believe that *snap, poof* and it's all gone were true?