The 21 day rule and little brother's keeper

Deliver me, deliver me, deliver me!! If it was only that easy. To get deliverance from the years of bondage to the original and only Doc, I had to break a month up into 72 hour fasts 4x over 16 days. That was painful. Not sure I can do it again

I need deliverance out of this mess. Jealousy is ugly as ugly can be. I am jealous of a friendship you and I never had. We do not really know each other. Not really. And we were never ever friends!! We are people that know each other. 

I don't belong in this situation. And that upsets me. What is wrong w me. I want something I cannot have. This is not right and I need to figure out how to get out of this. Lord, deliver me. I will be okay if I can just get to 21 days and then deliverance will come whether or not I am ready.

You broke my heart on New Years Eve 1995 or 6. That is not how I saw things happening. And then you about destroyed my heart while you were destroying yourself. I have to get out of this mess. Feelings suck!!

Pro-life vs. Pro-death

The vulgarity and inhumanity of what happened to baby Alfie makes me sad, sick and angry. Remember baby Charlie? It will not stop here and it will not end well.  I am absolutely 100% pro-life and pro-adoption. Don't like it?  Stop reading. We live in a culture of death, where right to life is hate speech.  We kill our young and our many blessings like it means nothing. Meh... tomorrow we will kill more and many will not bat an eye.  Its outrageous. Your rights are no more or less important than the right of the unborn. We destroy our children or warp them so badly that we have nothing left but dysfunctional adults.  We have no idea the blessings that we flush like refuse.

What Gigger said

So the great Gigger said I had to keep track of my dreams.  That it would help me in the long run and show me what I cannot see. Umm... maybe. I am skeptical and yet here I am, pouring my heart out, via my phone even, and talking to my blog again. I am slightly better than I was when I started this even though I am in worse weight shape. But its all about healing self and I want to heal self so very much.

The missing little brother

Dearest Lil B,

We passed the 21 day mark without speaking.  Which invokes my 1st rule not that it matters. Told me what i needed to know, even though I would like to understand what I did to cause this disruption.  I have no idea what I did/said wrong. One moment  we were speaking and the next 'poof'. I presume a woman entered the mix, which is totally okay, we are just people that knew each other once upon a time, well over a lifetime ago when we were just children after all. I would have liked a goodbye but I guess I didnt really need one. And apparently was not getting one. You are definitely a different person than I remember.

That makes me tragically sad. I would never ever have guessed this is how life would go for you.  I shed tears for that even though i know I cannot change it no matter what I do.

My only concern is that you stay clean and sober and out of more trouble.  I told you I only do one stint with someone but that's not 100% true. If there was no one else, I would do something. Just stay free and we won't ever have to cross paths again.

Much love!!

Blogging out loud - Screaming 14 year old wants OUTTA here...

Writing things down is a source of therapy for me.  Normally, I write things down and hide the things I feel too ashamed to say and stick it in a drawer in one of a myriad of journals I keep.  I'd love to have one cohesive thought in one journal but alas... I do not.  Same way I do a book, I just pick something up and put a thought in it.  I read books 3 or 4 at a time.  My 'journals' are all over the place along with a collection of books. 

Writing is another source of hiding for me.  I can put the things I am too afraid and ashamed to say in a journal that no one will ever see and still feel the blighting anonymity of nobody ever really knowing what is going on.  Here is a secret.... If I ever allowed anyone to see my artwork, you might be surprised to know that some of the backgrounds cover things I wish to say out loud and but cannot reveal because they hurt. 

Writing is like hiding from the shame that we sometimes feel when looking in a mirror.  It has all the harsh edges of reality.  We can always say really ugly things in our writing.  There are things I won't even admit to in my journal for fear that someone would see it and judge the 'real' person writing.  What better way to lance a wound then to put it on a blog.

I can be real and open all at the same time.  You are privy to my story but only the parts I wish to share.  Everything else is safely tucked away in a lifeless journal, or locked away in my heart waiting for the day the wound heals over enough that I can say it out loud.

I probably should have started my blog with this, because it explains a lot.  It has taken the last two years for the torture to go away and for me to say it out loud.  What I have learned, I did not pick up through therapy.  If therapy works for you, keep going.  If I were going to have therapy, it would have started when I was 14 and my life changed forever.  Because that is when I really learned that hiding in plain sight behind a layer of fat was far safer and numbing for me. 

I want you to know, there is something very healing about being able to verbalize the shameful secrets we keep from ourselves and others.  Shame is always about control.  When you verbalize it and stop living secretive and afraid, it CANNOT control you.  It can't!  I will say it again... it CANNOT control who you are any longer.   Say it out loud and you will take the power away from the person, people or situation that is trying to make you feel ashamed. 

More to follow...

Sunday... fun day!! The foodlog continues...

I am being ever more diligent of my food logs.  Since the day I sprung my SI joint, I have quite positively undone all my weight loss wins.

 Breakfast: 320 cals

• Protein Shot
• Peanut Butter Clif bar

Lunch: 770 cals

• 1/1 Crunchy chicken taco/soft chicken taco from Fuzzy's
• 1 cup Cilantro Lime rice from Fuzzy's
• 1 serving of cheesecake

Supper: 245 cals

• 2 waffles
• 1 tsp. ICBINB

"An Amazon lives here" or "Don't call me stout, solid or big..."

I have never been called dainty, tiny or petite a day in my life.  My loving  family will tell you I was a stout child or a big girl.  While I despise big as an adjective, stout is certainly not much better and don't grab my limbs and exclaim that I am just solidly built.  No one really wants to hear that, EVER!!  While I will never call you on your rudeness for saying or doing that, you will likely say things about me when I politely smile, say nothing, and walk away from you.  You don't get to fat shame me in love.  I know what I both look like and how much I weigh.  I don't need you to remind me.  That is what I have mirrors and a scale for.  :)

I was a month overdue in 197x and weighed in at a robust 9.7lbs.  I was not tiny.  When you're parental unit (I still love you Dad) exclaims to the wife and the nurses that, "she beat the boy" you live in family lore as some monstrosity of "ginormousness."  My nephew and niece beat me by at least a pound each and yet my birth is the shocking one even though we are not far apart in age.  *shrug* why pick a fight, right? I will never be dainty or tiny.

I didn't start tiny, and I have not magically gone all dainty and petite in the intervening years.  If anything I feel like one of Sheldon's (BBT) 'beefy gals' which is code for Amazon.  I always wanted to be dainty and petite.  It is much preferable to big and Amazon like in the adjective department. 

Even at my normal weight, I am just heavier than most women I guess.  Meaning at even about 145lbs, I will still be the person you don't want to cart around for more than a few steps.  That said, I can probably knock a person out with a right cross if I could connect because my size brings more strength.  Strong vs. dainty and petite.  Strength wins in this case though I'd still like to be a bit daintier. 

At 5'9+ I tower over many women, and a lot of men are my height.  This state just does not grow them tall like the Midwest.  No offense Texas, I still love you.  When I wear heals, I am 6ft+.  I always joke a bit that if I tripped and fell, I would likely crush the dainty folk walking near me.  There are only a couple people that I work with that I do not dwarf by multiple inches even without heals.  With heals, I try not to walk next to the shorter folk.  It makes that Amazonian feeling worse and I don't want to squish someone if I took a wrong step.

Sometimes, I wonder if I always felt so ginormous next to people when I was my normal weight or if I always felt so huge because everyone has told me that I was 'big' and stout.

Wow, I might have to rethink my definition of motivation...

(UPDATE:  So I started this post well over a year ago and it was about a confrontation that occurred by my trainer and I.  He was going to dump me because I was not losing weight while he is the reason I got hurt and derailed in the first place.  Well over a year later, and trainer and I have separated under some harsh circumstances.)

Today I had one of those oh, ohh..., and "I think I'm crushed and a handshake is going to make this better how??" moments.  I don't say that lightly and I certainly don't impugn the nature of a handshake because there is a certain level of honor that must be applied to sealing any bargain or agreement with a handshake. You just have to take it on Faith as it is a matter of integrity and honor.  Sounds confusing right?  Well, yes it was and I'm not sure where the idea of "motivation" came from, cuz it had the completely opposite effect. 

I let things roll around in my noggin too much so I'm still thinking about what this actually means about 24hrs after the fact.  I'm not exactly stupid.  Fat yes, stupid no.  We can go back and look at several blog posts.  I know something isn't right.  I just haven't put my finger on the pulse of EXACTLY what is wrong and I certainly haven't figured out what actions to take to "fix" whatever "it" is.

You lance a wound or rip a scab off a badly healed sore, either or, sometimes it's the only way to make something heal properly.  And you can take from that statement, what you will.  It is correct to assume that dwelling on one really bad set of pictures is not very motivational and can crush a fragile self-esteem.  But remember, even without looking at them continually, the truth is still there.  You don't have to see the truth, to feel the truth.

A picture could tear me up and trash my self-esteem and remind me that I have had one really NOT successful year, but I'm thinking being dumped for not losing weight is going to have far more serious consequences to my emotional well being, even if the thought was taken back.  No matter how you spin it, that just isn't good.  But thanks for taking it back at least for now.  I'm sure that's going to help.

God gave me an extra measure of determination.  We are bout to find out just how much steel he actually made me with.

umm... Wesley Crusher is screaming like a little girl...

You just have to take every opportunity to laugh.  Crying is a drain and being sad about things accomplishes nothing.  I have 90lbs to lose.  That's 90 more pounds.  9 sets of  10lb goals, or 18 sets of 5lb goals.  That's not a little insignificant number and it can be all serious and scary and defeating.  But I don't want it to be.  I make the choice to NOT allow it to be that dramatic and scary.  It's one step, two step, three step, four... and then so on.  That's all it is.

I really prefer to laugh about as many things as possible.  Not only does smiling make you feel great, it makes people wonder what you're up to (momma said so, and I believe my momma.)  So, back to the screaming like a little girl thing.

I'm watching this TV show called Leverage.  Never really watched it much before but I can't find the remote and I don't feel like turning the channels as I am typing this.  I'm watching Wil Wheaton play the geeky pesky snot helping the good guys and the next thing you know, he's screaming like a little girl as they are hurdling over the edge of platform into roaring waters to escape the bad guys.  Hysterical laugh out loud visual seeing Wesley Crusher (any Next Generation fans out there??) screaming like a little girl.  He totally rocks these kinda roles. I LOVE him on Big Bang Theory too.

And I love belly laughter that comes up from your toes and makes you keep laughing for long, long moments after the fact.  That was one funny scene.

My impractical desire to wear this dress and not feel fat...

I'm extremely serious when it comes to mirrors and clothes.  I hate the one and abide the other only because I must.  I don't own anything fitted because it makes me want to crawl right out of my skin.  So, in one of those "hey I'm losing weight and I'm really excited about that" moments, I purchased this dress last year.  It would take losing about 2 dress sizes to fit into it, but I was so excited and I needed a goal.  Then I got hurt, and I began to spiral again, and I'm about 3-4 sizes away from it right now :( 

The picture doesn't really do the dress justice because of the hanger it's on but it's fitted and would be totally cute (I think.)  And who, man or woman, doesn't want to wear cute clothes?  And if you tell my mom or anyone that I know that I admitted that, I will deny it :)  They wouldn't believe you anyway as all my current clothes look like they were made by a tentmaker (family joke.)

Shoes?  I really love  'em because even at my current size, I still have normal sized ankles, so I can still wear really cute shoes.  Aren't the shoes I picked for this dress fabu wonderba??   

Thursday (1/12) - Foodlog

So today was fun.  Okay, no it wasn't.  I'm trying to overcome my cold or my allergies or maybe bronchitis and resist the people around me that want me to go to the doctor.  That takes so much energy.  And I can't do that...  go to the doctor that is.  It takes no faith to go to the doctor.  So today's eating kinda reflects how un-fabu I feel :( 

Breakfast

• 2 egg whites (sorry no whole egg, I just couldn't choke it down)
• small apple with peanut butter

Lunch

• Chicken noodle soup

Dinner

• Orange chicken Lean Cuisine
• Hot chocolate

Yeah, not very exciting.  Kinda reflects how yucky I feel.

Wednesday (1/11) - Foodlog

Eating today was kinda brutal as I am suffering the effects of a cold and nothing tastes good and all I want is soup.

Breakfast

• Granola bar

Lunch/Dinner

• 2 small cans of Chicken Noodle soup (like 5 servings total and oh... the zinc in that soup and hot liquid surely made my throat feel better.
• Pretzels

The very ugly part of my eating day.

• Mini blueberry donuts with cream cheese icing (I swore I was getting rid of that stupid machine.)

If a mirror breaks, and I'm fat, does that mean 7 years of "fat" luck?

Okay, so maybe the post title sounded funnier in my head than it actually is.  I'm a realistic person and I don't believe in luck.  I also don't believe in lying to those around you or to yourself.  A lie is a lie no matter who you are lying to.  I don't think I have much problem distinguishing truth from fantasy; fairytale from fiction. I can pretty much look in a mirror and figure out what it's telling me without help.  Yes, I'm hard on the girl in the mirror, but that doesn't make me mean and that doesn't ultimately mean I have very low self-esteem. You cannot make a change in your life until you're willing to face hard reality. I have multiple checks for reality that I throw myself against in order to get the best possible vision of what "my" reality really is.  Mirrors are only one version of my personal "reality".

My problem has never been that I don't believe what I see.  I believe it.  I just don't always want to face it so I've spent a good bit of my time avoiding surfaces that reflect.  It's not possible to avoid looking at one's self forever.

I'm not sure who designed my bathroom, but they should be slapped.  The mirror fills one entire wall and you can't escape it.  You get in the shower, it's right there and you get out of the shower, and its right there. ugh...  I used to work in an all glass building and I hated to walk up the front steps because of how bad that reflective surface made me feel every day. 

More to follow...

Tuesday (1/10) - Foodlog

Here is today's foodlog and not the world's best day.

Pre-workout

• Protein bar 

Breakfast

•  3 egg whites
• Grapefruit cup
• Crackers

Lunch

• Salad with Chicken
• 1 c of banana pudding

Snack

• Payday

Dinner

• Chicken Noodle Soup
• Drop biscuit
• Skim Milk

When things aren't good, they tend to be very bad...

Having a meltdown here.  I just did the stupidest most self-sabotaging food stupid thing I've done (at least a in a couple days.)  Since I blog to keep myself accountable I will tell you what I did.  I am a good example of eating disorder weird body yuck!  You've heard about people that hide food and do really weird things with it, that's me.  I can't keep a mix of any sort (like cookies, or muffins) in my house because I mix them, eat them raw and then trash them.  Don't know why and it is gross and way not healthy.  I don't hide it but there is no one in my house that tells me no, cuz I live and eat alone.  God help me if there was someone (yes, it should be me) telling me no.  The only people I hide food from are me, myself, and my trainer (cuz who wants to admit that weird little proclivity) and since hiding has the power to keep you bound and tied to shame, I'm gonna come right out and say this...

I went specifically to the grocery store before my fav show (Once Upon a Time) started tonight and here is what I bought:

• Eggs for egg whites tomorrow if I wash the pan (Big if, cuz I got to wash the pan.)
• 3 grapefruit cups
• 3 protein bars/2 zone bars
• Salad mix for 4 days of salads
• 2 Pepsi Max (because I obviously haven't stripped my body of enough calcium, enamel and Magnesium)
• Frosting (which I don't allow in my host under normal - non last two months circumstances)
• Blueberry Muffin mix
• 1/2 gallon of skim milk

I bought my niece and nephew a mini donut maker.  They never got it,as I opened it today.  Guess what has to leave my house tomorrow.  Mixed the blueberry muffins and ate them with the frosting.  I feel sick!

Monday's foodlog (1/9)

Here is my planned foodlog for today.  Let's see if this works since I created this Sunday night and obviously am typing it on Sunday night.

Breakfast

• Egg Whites (3) -  75     0     1.1     0     17.7     226.5
• Grapefruit cup  -  60     0     15      1       0          25

Total for this Meal:  135     0     16.1    2     17.7     251.5

Snack

• Protein Bar       -  180   4     18     0         19        70
• Small Apple     -   95    .3    25.1   4.4      .5          1.8
• Peanut Butter   -   95     8     3.5     1         4         65

Total for this Meal:  370   12.3   46.6   5.4     23.5     136.8

Lunch

• Salad (2c with assorted veggies)
• Green Beans  - 45   0     9.9    0    2 
• Pink Salmon  -  70   2    0       0    13    330

Total for this Meal:  115    2       9.9    0       15     330

So I was good up to this point and then the oh no, I feel like crap with a fever moment :)  We degraded quick like and I got no cardio in today cuz I'm coughing up a lung here.

The rest of the day went like this...

• chicken noodle soup (cuz my throat hurts so much and I can't stop coughing, yuck!!)
• Candy Canes
• Protein Bar
• Burlatoni  Chicken tortillini with some red sauce
• 2 c. of skim milk (cuz that so helps with the congestion, ummm...NOT)

#@!% #@!% #@!% - My leg fraking hurts and other running tragedies

Okay, it will be exactly a year (and maybe some change) since I sprung my SI joint come this February.  I would like to tell you that I am able to run again, but of course, I keep injuring that leg and I'm quite tired of that and to quote my favorite BSG character (Starbuck) - frak, frak, frak!!! I just started running again at the beginning of December and during a sprint with the trainer, I went down, landing square on my big tuckus in the process.  He was behind me when it happened and said it looked like someone shot my leg.  I can only guess it looked kinda odd and probably fairly funny to observers :)

I knew on the first step that something wasn't at all right.  Of course I felt it something like this... right step (oh no...), left step (BAM, somethings wrong in the caliber of did I just rupture my Achilles and I can't stop fast enough), right step, and I was sitting on the ground trying not to cry.  I personally think its something unstable behind my knee, but I refuse to go see my sports meds doctor, cuz he'll try and shoot it full of cortisone (I'm way allergic and he doesn't believe me...) or he will tell me not to run.  I know, FAT girl running doesn't make sense to most but they are not, and I repeat NOT going to stop me from moving.

God gave me two working legs, I will figure out a way to use them.  So instead of completely getting upset, and drowning my anger and frustration in little mini red velvet cupcakes (they are like crack to a food addict, I <3 them), I'm taking a more sane approach.  I have all these great cardio workouts that my old boxing instructor/trainer II made for me.  Instead of completely losing it because I still can't run, I am going to take those workouts, some of which I have put on my blog, and redo 2010.  We shall see how fast that goes.

So, since I can't run STILL, my warm up before training is a 2.0 incline at 3.5 with 2-10lb dumbbells in hand.  That was extremely hard for me in 2010, and isn't really easy for now but I will repeat that at least for January.  More to follow, stay tuned.

Foodlog cuz I said I would

Okay, so I said I would put my foodlog up today (warts and all) and here it is.

Pre-workout

• Whey Protein Shot

Snack

• Protein bar (I got lazy and didn't boil the eggs, mostly cuz I need to wash my pan, lol.)

Mini Breakfast or sorta snack??

• Grapefruit cup
• Whey Protein Shot
• 60 cal pudding cup (guess I need the calcium cuz I'm craving some milk.)

Cardio Plan - Week One

So, I thought I would start the New Year with a cardio plan and then see how close I can stick to my plan. Here is my Week One plan.  Note that I start my Running Program on Saturday of this first week.

Mon - Yoga 1-2 7:30PM; Treadmill workout/crossover lateral trainer (No yoga as the place closes early today)
Tues - Kickboxing 6:30PM;  Treadmill workout/crossover lateral trainer, (so far, I've gotten in 30 mins of Elliptical and 15mins of Bike)
Wed - Kickboxing 6:30PM; Treadmill workout/crossover lateral trainer
Thurs - Boxing/KB Combo 12:15PM; Treadmill workout/crossover lateral trainer
Fri - OFF
Sat - Yoga 1-2 10:30AM; Running Program starts at 7AM
Sun - OFF

Another Treadmill Variation - 2010

Here is another variation of a Treadmill workout I did in 2010. No speed is indicated so I pushed myself.  I probably couldn't run faster than about 5.5 for the 60s sprint at that time and obviously it was a short Treadmill drill as I was just getting into shape.  Not sure what I could this at now as I have been hurt and out of running shape for much of this year.

Treadmill
Warm-up with a 5 min walk.

• 60/60s - Run/Walk (5x)
• 30/30s - Run/Walk (5x)
• 10/10s - Run/Walk (3x)
• 10/20s - Run/Walk (2x)
• 10/30s - Run/Walk (2x)