You just have to take every opportunity to laugh. Crying is a drain and being sad about things accomplishes nothing. I have 90lbs to lose. That's 90 more pounds. 9 sets of 10lb goals, or 18 sets of 5lb goals. That's not a little insignificant number and it can be all serious and scary and defeating. But I don't want it to be. I make the choice to NOT allow it to be that dramatic and scary. It's one step, two step, three step, four... and then so on. That's all it is.
I really prefer to laugh about as many things as possible. Not only does smiling make you feel great, it makes people wonder what you're up to (momma said so, and I believe my momma.) So, back to the screaming like a little girl thing.
I'm watching this TV show called Leverage. Never really watched it much before but I can't find the remote and I don't feel like turning the channels as I am typing this. I'm watching Wil Wheaton play the geeky pesky snot helping the good guys and the next thing you know, he's screaming like a little girl as they are hurdling over the edge of platform into roaring waters to escape the bad guys. Hysterical laugh out loud visual seeing Wesley Crusher (any Next Generation fans out there??) screaming like a little girl. He totally rocks these kinda roles. I LOVE him on Big Bang Theory too.
And I love belly laughter that comes up from your toes and makes you keep laughing for long, long moments after the fact. That was one funny scene.
My Progress
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
My impractical desire to wear this dress and not feel fat...
I'm extremely serious when it comes to mirrors and clothes. I hate the one and abide the other only because I must. I don't own anything fitted because it makes me want to crawl right out of my skin. So, in one of those "hey I'm losing weight and I'm really excited about that" moments, I purchased this dress last year. It would take losing about 2 dress sizes to fit into it, but I was so excited and I needed a goal. Then I got hurt, and I began to spiral again, and I'm about 3-4 sizes away from it right now :(
The picture doesn't really do the dress justice because of the hanger it's on but it's fitted and would be totally cute (I think.) And who, man or woman, doesn't want to wear cute clothes? And if you tell my mom or anyone that I know that I admitted that, I will deny it :) They wouldn't believe you anyway as all my current clothes look like they were made by a tentmaker (family joke.)
Shoes? I really love 'em because even at my current size, I still have normal sized ankles, so I can still wear really cute shoes. Aren't the shoes I picked for this dress fabu wonderba??
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Thursday (1/12) - Foodlog
So today was fun. Okay, no it wasn't. I'm trying to overcome my cold or my allergies or maybe bronchitis and resist the people around me that want me to go to the doctor. That takes so much energy. And I can't do that... go to the doctor that is. It takes no faith to go to the doctor. So today's eating kinda reflects how un-fabu I feel :(
Breakfast
Breakfast
- 2 egg whites (sorry no whole egg, I just couldn't choke it down)
- small apple with peanut butter
- Chicken noodle soup
- Orange chicken Lean Cuisine
- Hot chocolate
Wednesday (1/11) - Foodlog
Eating today was kinda brutal as I am suffering the effects of a cold and nothing tastes good and all I want is soup.
Breakfast
Breakfast
- Granola bar
- 2 small cans of Chicken Noodle soup (like 5 servings total and oh... the zinc in that soup and hot liquid surely made my throat feel better.
- Pretzels
- Mini blueberry donuts with cream cheese icing (I swore I was getting rid of that stupid machine.)
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
If a mirror breaks, and I'm fat, does that mean 7 years of "fat" luck?
Okay, so maybe the post title sounded funnier in my head than it actually is. I'm a realistic person and I don't believe in luck. I also don't believe in lying to those around you or to yourself. A lie is a lie no matter who you are lying to. I don't think I have much problem distinguishing truth from fantasy; fairytale from fiction. I can pretty much look in a mirror and figure out what it's telling me without help. Yes, I'm hard on the girl in the mirror, but that doesn't make me mean and that doesn't ultimately mean I have very low self-esteem. You cannot make a change in your life until you're willing to face hard reality. I have multiple checks for reality that I throw myself against in order to get the best possible vision of what "my" reality really is. Mirrors are only one version of my personal "reality".
My problem has never been that I don't believe what I see. I believe it. I just don't always want to face it so I've spent a good bit of my time avoiding surfaces that reflect. It's not possible to avoid looking at one's self forever.
I'm not sure who designed my bathroom, but they should be slapped. The mirror fills one entire wall and you can't escape it. You get in the shower, it's right there and you get out of the shower, and its right there. ugh... I used to work in an all glass building and I hated to walk up the front steps because of how bad that reflective surface made me feel every day.
More to follow...
My problem has never been that I don't believe what I see. I believe it. I just don't always want to face it so I've spent a good bit of my time avoiding surfaces that reflect. It's not possible to avoid looking at one's self forever.
I'm not sure who designed my bathroom, but they should be slapped. The mirror fills one entire wall and you can't escape it. You get in the shower, it's right there and you get out of the shower, and its right there. ugh... I used to work in an all glass building and I hated to walk up the front steps because of how bad that reflective surface made me feel every day.
More to follow...
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Tuesday (1/10) - Foodlog
Here is today's foodlog and not the world's best day.
Pre-workout
Pre-workout
- Protein bar
- 3 egg whites
- Grapefruit cup
- Crackers
- Salad with Chicken
- 1 c of banana pudding
- Payday
- Chicken Noodle Soup
- Drop biscuit
- Skim Milk
Sunday, January 8, 2012
When things aren't good, they tend to be very bad...
Having a meltdown here. I just did the stupidest most self-sabotaging food stupid thing I've done (at least a in a couple days.) Since I blog to keep myself accountable I will tell you what I did. I am a good example of eating disorder weird body yuck! You've heard about people that hide food and do really weird things with it, that's me. I can't keep a mix of any sort (like cookies, or muffins) in my house because I mix them, eat them raw and then trash them. Don't know why and it is gross and way not healthy. I don't hide it but there is no one in my house that tells me no, cuz I live and eat alone. God help me if there was someone (yes, it should be me) telling me no. The only people I hide food from are me, myself, and my trainer (cuz who wants to admit that weird little proclivity) and since hiding has the power to keep you bound and tied to shame, I'm gonna come right out and say this...
I went specifically to the grocery store before my fav show (Once Upon a Time) started tonight and here is what I bought:
I went specifically to the grocery store before my fav show (Once Upon a Time) started tonight and here is what I bought:
- Eggs for egg whites tomorrow if I wash the pan (Big if, cuz I got to wash the pan.)
- 3 grapefruit cups
- 3 protein bars/2 zone bars
- Salad mix for 4 days of salads
- 2 Pepsi Max (because I obviously haven't stripped my body of enough calcium, enamel and Magnesium)
- Frosting (which I don't allow in my host under normal - non last two months circumstances)
- Blueberry Muffin mix
- 1/2 gallon of skim milk
Monday's foodlog (1/9)
Here is my planned foodlog for today. Let's see if this works since I created this Sunday night and obviously am typing it on Sunday night.
Breakfast
Snack
Lunch
Total for this Meal: 115 2 9.9 0 15 330
So I was good up to this point and then the oh no, I feel like crap with a fever moment :) We degraded quick like and I got no cardio in today cuz I'm coughing up a lung here.
The rest of the day went like this...
Breakfast
- Egg Whites (3) - 75 0 1.1 0 17.7 226.5
- Grapefruit cup - 60 0 15 1 0 25
Snack
- Protein Bar - 180 4 18 0 19 70
- Small Apple - 95 .3 25.1 4.4 .5 1.8
- Peanut Butter - 95 8 3.5 1 4 65
Lunch
- Salad (2c with assorted veggies)
- Green Beans - 45 0 9.9 0 2
- Pink Salmon - 70 2 0 0 13 330
Total for this Meal: 115 2 9.9 0 15 330
So I was good up to this point and then the oh no, I feel like crap with a fever moment :) We degraded quick like and I got no cardio in today cuz I'm coughing up a lung here.
The rest of the day went like this...
- chicken noodle soup (cuz my throat hurts so much and I can't stop coughing, yuck!!)
- Candy Canes
- Protein Bar
- Burlatoni Chicken tortillini with some red sauce
- 2 c. of skim milk (cuz that so helps with the congestion, ummm...NOT)
Saturday, January 7, 2012
#@!% #@!% #@!% - My leg fraking hurts and other running tragedies
Okay, it will be exactly a year (and maybe some change) since I sprung my SI joint come this February. I would like to tell you that I am able to run again, but of course, I keep injuring that leg and I'm quite tired of that and to quote my favorite BSG character (Starbuck) - frak, frak, frak!!! I just started running again at the beginning of December and during a sprint with the trainer, I went down, landing square on my big tuckus in the process. He was behind me when it happened and said it looked like someone shot my leg. I can only guess it looked kinda odd and probably fairly funny to observers :)
I knew on the first step that something wasn't at all right. Of course I felt it something like this... right step (oh no...), left step (BAM, somethings wrong in the caliber of did I just rupture my Achilles and I can't stop fast enough), right step, and I was sitting on the ground trying not to cry. I personally think its something unstable behind my knee, but I refuse to go see my sports meds doctor, cuz he'll try and shoot it full of cortisone (I'm way allergic and he doesn't believe me...) or he will tell me not to run. I know, FAT girl running doesn't make sense to most but they are not, and I repeat NOT going to stop me from moving.
God gave me two working legs, I will figure out a way to use them. So instead of completely getting upset, and drowning my anger and frustration in little mini red velvet cupcakes (they are like crack to a food addict, I <3 them), I'm taking a more sane approach. I have all these great cardio workouts that my old boxing instructor/trainer II made for me. Instead of completely losing it because I still can't run, I am going to take those workouts, some of which I have put on my blog, and redo 2010. We shall see how fast that goes.
So, since I can't run STILL, my warm up before training is a 2.0 incline at 3.5 with 2-10lb dumbbells in hand. That was extremely hard for me in 2010, and isn't really easy for now but I will repeat that at least for January. More to follow, stay tuned.
I knew on the first step that something wasn't at all right. Of course I felt it something like this... right step (oh no...), left step (BAM, somethings wrong in the caliber of did I just rupture my Achilles and I can't stop fast enough), right step, and I was sitting on the ground trying not to cry. I personally think its something unstable behind my knee, but I refuse to go see my sports meds doctor, cuz he'll try and shoot it full of cortisone (I'm way allergic and he doesn't believe me...) or he will tell me not to run. I know, FAT girl running doesn't make sense to most but they are not, and I repeat NOT going to stop me from moving.
God gave me two working legs, I will figure out a way to use them. So instead of completely getting upset, and drowning my anger and frustration in little mini red velvet cupcakes (they are like crack to a food addict, I <3 them), I'm taking a more sane approach. I have all these great cardio workouts that my old boxing instructor/trainer II made for me. Instead of completely losing it because I still can't run, I am going to take those workouts, some of which I have put on my blog, and redo 2010. We shall see how fast that goes.
So, since I can't run STILL, my warm up before training is a 2.0 incline at 3.5 with 2-10lb dumbbells in hand. That was extremely hard for me in 2010, and isn't really easy for now but I will repeat that at least for January. More to follow, stay tuned.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Foodlog cuz I said I would
Okay, so I said I would put my foodlog up today (warts and all) and here it is.
Pre-workout
Pre-workout
- Whey Protein Shot
- Protein bar (I got lazy and didn't boil the eggs, mostly cuz I need to wash my pan, lol.)
- Grapefruit cup
- Whey Protein Shot
- 60 cal pudding cup (guess I need the calcium cuz I'm craving some milk.)
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