Wow, I might have to rethink my definition of motivation...

(UPDATE:  So I started this post well over a year ago and it was about a confrontation that occurred by my trainer and I.  He was going to dump me because I was not losing weight while he is the reason I got hurt and derailed in the first place.  Well over a year later, and trainer and I have separated under some harsh circumstances.)

Today I had one of those oh, ohh..., and "I think I'm crushed and a handshake is going to make this better how??" moments.  I don't say that lightly and I certainly don't impugn the nature of a handshake because there is a certain level of honor that must be applied to sealing any bargain or agreement with a handshake. You just have to take it on Faith as it is a matter of integrity and honor.  Sounds confusing right?  Well, yes it was and I'm not sure where the idea of "motivation" came from, cuz it had the completely opposite effect. 

I let things roll around in my noggin too much so I'm still thinking about what this actually means about 24hrs after the fact.  I'm not exactly stupid.  Fat yes, stupid no.  We can go back and look at several blog posts.  I know something isn't right.  I just haven't put my finger on the pulse of EXACTLY what is wrong and I certainly haven't figured out what actions to take to "fix" whatever "it" is.

You lance a wound or rip a scab off a badly healed sore, either or, sometimes it's the only way to make something heal properly.  And you can take from that statement, what you will.  It is correct to assume that dwelling on one really bad set of pictures is not very motivational and can crush a fragile self-esteem.  But remember, even without looking at them continually, the truth is still there.  You don't have to see the truth, to feel the truth.

A picture could tear me up and trash my self-esteem and remind me that I have had one really NOT successful year, but I'm thinking being dumped for not losing weight is going to have far more serious consequences to my emotional well being, even if the thought was taken back.  No matter how you spin it, that just isn't good.  But thanks for taking it back at least for now.  I'm sure that's going to help.

God gave me an extra measure of determination.  We are bout to find out just how much steel he actually made me with.

umm... Wesley Crusher is screaming like a little girl...

You just have to take every opportunity to laugh.  Crying is a drain and being sad about things accomplishes nothing.  I have 90lbs to lose.  That's 90 more pounds.  9 sets of  10lb goals, or 18 sets of 5lb goals.  That's not a little insignificant number and it can be all serious and scary and defeating.  But I don't want it to be.  I make the choice to NOT allow it to be that dramatic and scary.  It's one step, two step, three step, four... and then so on.  That's all it is.

I really prefer to laugh about as many things as possible.  Not only does smiling make you feel great, it makes people wonder what you're up to (momma said so, and I believe my momma.)  So, back to the screaming like a little girl thing.

I'm watching this TV show called Leverage.  Never really watched it much before but I can't find the remote and I don't feel like turning the channels as I am typing this.  I'm watching Wil Wheaton play the geeky pesky snot helping the good guys and the next thing you know, he's screaming like a little girl as they are hurdling over the edge of platform into roaring waters to escape the bad guys.  Hysterical laugh out loud visual seeing Wesley Crusher (any Next Generation fans out there??) screaming like a little girl.  He totally rocks these kinda roles. I LOVE him on Big Bang Theory too.

And I love belly laughter that comes up from your toes and makes you keep laughing for long, long moments after the fact.  That was one funny scene.

My impractical desire to wear this dress and not feel fat...

I'm extremely serious when it comes to mirrors and clothes.  I hate the one and abide the other only because I must.  I don't own anything fitted because it makes me want to crawl right out of my skin.  So, in one of those "hey I'm losing weight and I'm really excited about that" moments, I purchased this dress last year.  It would take losing about 2 dress sizes to fit into it, but I was so excited and I needed a goal.  Then I got hurt, and I began to spiral again, and I'm about 3-4 sizes away from it right now :( 

The picture doesn't really do the dress justice because of the hanger it's on but it's fitted and would be totally cute (I think.)  And who, man or woman, doesn't want to wear cute clothes?  And if you tell my mom or anyone that I know that I admitted that, I will deny it :)  They wouldn't believe you anyway as all my current clothes look like they were made by a tentmaker (family joke.)

Shoes?  I really love  'em because even at my current size, I still have normal sized ankles, so I can still wear really cute shoes.  Aren't the shoes I picked for this dress fabu wonderba??   

Thursday (1/12) - Foodlog

So today was fun.  Okay, no it wasn't.  I'm trying to overcome my cold or my allergies or maybe bronchitis and resist the people around me that want me to go to the doctor.  That takes so much energy.  And I can't do that...  go to the doctor that is.  It takes no faith to go to the doctor.  So today's eating kinda reflects how un-fabu I feel :( 

Breakfast

• 2 egg whites (sorry no whole egg, I just couldn't choke it down)
• small apple with peanut butter

Lunch

• Chicken noodle soup

Dinner

• Orange chicken Lean Cuisine
• Hot chocolate

Yeah, not very exciting.  Kinda reflects how yucky I feel.

Wednesday (1/11) - Foodlog

Eating today was kinda brutal as I am suffering the effects of a cold and nothing tastes good and all I want is soup.

Breakfast

• Granola bar

Lunch/Dinner

• 2 small cans of Chicken Noodle soup (like 5 servings total and oh... the zinc in that soup and hot liquid surely made my throat feel better.
• Pretzels

The very ugly part of my eating day.

• Mini blueberry donuts with cream cheese icing (I swore I was getting rid of that stupid machine.)

If a mirror breaks, and I'm fat, does that mean 7 years of "fat" luck?

Okay, so maybe the post title sounded funnier in my head than it actually is.  I'm a realistic person and I don't believe in luck.  I also don't believe in lying to those around you or to yourself.  A lie is a lie no matter who you are lying to.  I don't think I have much problem distinguishing truth from fantasy; fairytale from fiction. I can pretty much look in a mirror and figure out what it's telling me without help.  Yes, I'm hard on the girl in the mirror, but that doesn't make me mean and that doesn't ultimately mean I have very low self-esteem. You cannot make a change in your life until you're willing to face hard reality. I have multiple checks for reality that I throw myself against in order to get the best possible vision of what "my" reality really is.  Mirrors are only one version of my personal "reality".

My problem has never been that I don't believe what I see.  I believe it.  I just don't always want to face it so I've spent a good bit of my time avoiding surfaces that reflect.  It's not possible to avoid looking at one's self forever.

I'm not sure who designed my bathroom, but they should be slapped.  The mirror fills one entire wall and you can't escape it.  You get in the shower, it's right there and you get out of the shower, and its right there. ugh...  I used to work in an all glass building and I hated to walk up the front steps because of how bad that reflective surface made me feel every day. 

More to follow...

Tuesday (1/10) - Foodlog

Here is today's foodlog and not the world's best day.

Pre-workout

• Protein bar 

Breakfast

•  3 egg whites
• Grapefruit cup
• Crackers

Lunch

• Salad with Chicken
• 1 c of banana pudding

Snack

• Payday

Dinner

• Chicken Noodle Soup
• Drop biscuit
• Skim Milk