Sunday... fun day!! The foodlog continues...

I am being ever more diligent of my food logs.  Since the day I sprung my SI joint, I have quite positively undone all my weight loss wins.

 Breakfast: 320 cals

• Protein Shot
• Peanut Butter Clif bar

Lunch: 770 cals

• 1/1 Crunchy chicken taco/soft chicken taco from Fuzzy's
• 1 cup Cilantro Lime rice from Fuzzy's
• 1 serving of cheesecake

Supper: 245 cals

• 2 waffles
• 1 tsp. ICBINB

"An Amazon lives here" or "Don't call me stout, solid or big..."

I have never been called dainty, tiny or petite a day in my life.  My loving  family will tell you I was a stout child or a big girl.  While I despise big as an adjective, stout is certainly not much better and don't grab my limbs and exclaim that I am just solidly built.  No one really wants to hear that, EVER!!  While I will never call you on your rudeness for saying or doing that, you will likely say things about me when I politely smile, say nothing, and walk away from you.  You don't get to fat shame me in love.  I know what I both look like and how much I weigh.  I don't need you to remind me.  That is what I have mirrors and a scale for.  :)

I was a month overdue in 197x and weighed in at a robust 9.7lbs.  I was not tiny.  When you're parental unit (I still love you Dad) exclaims to the wife and the nurses that, "she beat the boy" you live in family lore as some monstrosity of "ginormousness."  My nephew and niece beat me by at least a pound each and yet my birth is the shocking one even though we are not far apart in age.  *shrug* why pick a fight, right? I will never be dainty or tiny.

I didn't start tiny, and I have not magically gone all dainty and petite in the intervening years.  If anything I feel like one of Sheldon's (BBT) 'beefy gals' which is code for Amazon.  I always wanted to be dainty and petite.  It is much preferable to big and Amazon like in the adjective department. 

Even at my normal weight, I am just heavier than most women I guess.  Meaning at even about 145lbs, I will still be the person you don't want to cart around for more than a few steps.  That said, I can probably knock a person out with a right cross if I could connect because my size brings more strength.  Strong vs. dainty and petite.  Strength wins in this case though I'd still like to be a bit daintier. 

At 5'9+ I tower over many women, and a lot of men are my height.  This state just does not grow them tall like the Midwest.  No offense Texas, I still love you.  When I wear heals, I am 6ft+.  I always joke a bit that if I tripped and fell, I would likely crush the dainty folk walking near me.  There are only a couple people that I work with that I do not dwarf by multiple inches even without heals.  With heals, I try not to walk next to the shorter folk.  It makes that Amazonian feeling worse and I don't want to squish someone if I took a wrong step.

Sometimes, I wonder if I always felt so ginormous next to people when I was my normal weight or if I always felt so huge because everyone has told me that I was 'big' and stout.

Wow, I might have to rethink my definition of motivation...

(UPDATE:  So I started this post well over a year ago and it was about a confrontation that occurred by my trainer and I.  He was going to dump me because I was not losing weight while he is the reason I got hurt and derailed in the first place.  Well over a year later, and trainer and I have separated under some harsh circumstances.)

Today I had one of those oh, ohh..., and "I think I'm crushed and a handshake is going to make this better how??" moments.  I don't say that lightly and I certainly don't impugn the nature of a handshake because there is a certain level of honor that must be applied to sealing any bargain or agreement with a handshake. You just have to take it on Faith as it is a matter of integrity and honor.  Sounds confusing right?  Well, yes it was and I'm not sure where the idea of "motivation" came from, cuz it had the completely opposite effect. 

I let things roll around in my noggin too much so I'm still thinking about what this actually means about 24hrs after the fact.  I'm not exactly stupid.  Fat yes, stupid no.  We can go back and look at several blog posts.  I know something isn't right.  I just haven't put my finger on the pulse of EXACTLY what is wrong and I certainly haven't figured out what actions to take to "fix" whatever "it" is.

You lance a wound or rip a scab off a badly healed sore, either or, sometimes it's the only way to make something heal properly.  And you can take from that statement, what you will.  It is correct to assume that dwelling on one really bad set of pictures is not very motivational and can crush a fragile self-esteem.  But remember, even without looking at them continually, the truth is still there.  You don't have to see the truth, to feel the truth.

A picture could tear me up and trash my self-esteem and remind me that I have had one really NOT successful year, but I'm thinking being dumped for not losing weight is going to have far more serious consequences to my emotional well being, even if the thought was taken back.  No matter how you spin it, that just isn't good.  But thanks for taking it back at least for now.  I'm sure that's going to help.

God gave me an extra measure of determination.  We are bout to find out just how much steel he actually made me with.