umm... Wesley Crusher is screaming like a little girl...

You just have to take every opportunity to laugh.  Crying is a drain and being sad about things accomplishes nothing.  I have 90lbs to lose.  That's 90 more pounds.  9 sets of  10lb goals, or 18 sets of 5lb goals.  That's not a little insignificant number and it can be all serious and scary and defeating.  But I don't want it to be.  I make the choice to NOT allow it to be that dramatic and scary.  It's one step, two step, three step, four... and then so on.  That's all it is.

I really prefer to laugh about as many things as possible.  Not only does smiling make you feel great, it makes people wonder what you're up to (momma said so, and I believe my momma.)  So, back to the screaming like a little girl thing.

I'm watching this TV show called Leverage.  Never really watched it much before but I can't find the remote and I don't feel like turning the channels as I am typing this.  I'm watching Wil Wheaton play the geeky pesky snot helping the good guys and the next thing you know, he's screaming like a little girl as they are hurdling over the edge of platform into roaring waters to escape the bad guys.  Hysterical laugh out loud visual seeing Wesley Crusher (any Next Generation fans out there??) screaming like a little girl.  He totally rocks these kinda roles. I LOVE him on Big Bang Theory too.

And I love belly laughter that comes up from your toes and makes you keep laughing for long, long moments after the fact.  That was one funny scene.

Tuesday (1/10) - Foodlog

Here is today's foodlog and not the world's best day.

Pre-workout

• Protein bar 

Breakfast

•  3 egg whites
• Grapefruit cup
• Crackers

Lunch

• Salad with Chicken
• 1 c of banana pudding

Snack

• Payday

Dinner

• Chicken Noodle Soup
• Drop biscuit
• Skim Milk

Monday's foodlog (1/9)

Here is my planned foodlog for today.  Let's see if this works since I created this Sunday night and obviously am typing it on Sunday night.

Breakfast

• Egg Whites (3) -  75     0     1.1     0     17.7     226.5
• Grapefruit cup  -  60     0     15      1       0          25

Total for this Meal:  135     0     16.1    2     17.7     251.5

Snack

• Protein Bar       -  180   4     18     0         19        70
• Small Apple     -   95    .3    25.1   4.4      .5          1.8
• Peanut Butter   -   95     8     3.5     1         4         65

Total for this Meal:  370   12.3   46.6   5.4     23.5     136.8

Lunch

• Salad (2c with assorted veggies)
• Green Beans  - 45   0     9.9    0    2 
• Pink Salmon  -  70   2    0       0    13    330

Total for this Meal:  115    2       9.9    0       15     330

So I was good up to this point and then the oh no, I feel like crap with a fever moment :)  We degraded quick like and I got no cardio in today cuz I'm coughing up a lung here.

The rest of the day went like this...

• chicken noodle soup (cuz my throat hurts so much and I can't stop coughing, yuck!!)
• Candy Canes
• Protein Bar
• Burlatoni  Chicken tortillini with some red sauce
• 2 c. of skim milk (cuz that so helps with the congestion, ummm...NOT)

Stress Eating - Thursday's foodlog (nom nom nom)

Okay, so today was somewhat better eating wise.  I managed to eat a breakfast, lunch and dinner and no, they weren't great but I got them in.  Still am very dehydrated.  I really want some soup for Supper but I've had it almost every night for weeks.  I need the sodium I think or the zinc.  Not sure which one.

Pre-workout:

• 1 Whey protein shot

Breakfast:

• 1 medium apple w 2 tablespoon crunchy PB
• 1 Whey protein shot (I didn't feel like boiling eggs)
• 2 slices Ezekiel bread w 1 serving of "I Can't Believe It's not Butter"

Lunch:

• 1 6in Turkey Breast on Honey Oat Subway sandwich with 1.5 cups of lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles, black olives and cucumbers with .5 serving of Ranch Dressing
• Baked Lays BBQ

Supper:

• 1 medium slice of pizza
• molasses cookies

Stress Eating - Wednesday's Foodlog (nom, nom, nom, blech...)

So my blood pressure dropped back to a more normal range and I am far less hurt and upset by my job today.  You just shouldn't make sweeping life decisions when you're so upset your head is going to pop a blood vessel.  Why I think I have any control of the situation I'm in is beyond me. *sigh*  I can only control me and my own actions.  And if I wanted to be liked by everyone, I guess I shouldn't be a QA Analyst, because no one ever likes the person who tells you what is wrong all the time.  It's just a part of the job pointing out that code is wrong or process is wrong or... or... or...

Another bad eating day, but I think I'm gonna take what control I can and do some cardio.  I may not be able to change certain circumstances but I can get up and move and no one can take that from me.

Breakfast:
Nothing decent though I did start the day with a Red Velvet Sugar cookie... I didn't feel less stressed until after I got that first meeting out of the way and hashed things out with the Manager of the group that I work with.  I personally hate conflict which is hard when your job is to tell someone the bugs in their code or process all the time.  I have one type of logic and developers have another.

Lunch:

• Wheat wrap with Mustard, 2 cups of lettuce, some onions and pickles, and about 2-3oz of Chicken.
• Baked BBQ lays

Snack:

• Spicy chicken (no BBQ sauce)
• Small piece of Peppermint Brownie and a little square of fudge

Dinner:

• Chicken Noodle Soup

Snack:

• Medium Apple with 2.5 tbsp of Peanut Butter

Stress Eating Day #2 - Tuesday's foodlog (nom nom nom)

So my level of stress was no better today.  It was actually much worse.  The blood pressure was some where around 143/98 and I could feel it.  I don't normally have high blood pressure but that is how very, and yes unreasonably, angry I was today.  I won't bore you with the gory details, but work really got to me.

So here is the foodlog:

Breakfast:
Nothing

Lunch:
Nothing

Snack #1:

• Medium apple with some peanut butter

Dinner:

• Turkey sandwhich
• Grapefruit
• Salad
• 2 Sugar cookies.

Starting the day by eating right (nom nom nom)

It's really true, breakfast makes or breaks a good eating day... well, at least for me :)  If I eat cleanly for breakfast, I am far less likely to eat bad through the rest of the day.  My brain just cannot allow me to ruin a good breakfast with junk for the rest of the day.  If my breakfast calories look high, it's because I tend to get the bulk of my calories in before 4PM and then have a salad and some type of fish in the evening (when I am eating cleanly.)

Today's breakfast (10AM):

• Medium Apple
• 1 Tbsp of Peanut Butter (Jif Extra Crunchy)
• 1 Whey protein shot
• 2 slices of Ezekial bread
• 1 tsp of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter"
• 14 oz of water

Calories:  510, Fats:  13.3g, Carbs:  59.6g, Fiber: 7.4g, Protein:  30.5g, Sodium: 366.8

Today's first snack (Noon)

• Protein Bar
• 16 oz water

Calories: 200, Fats:  12g, Carbs:  10g, Fiber:  1, Protein:  13g, Sodium: 100 g

Late Lunch (2:40PM)

• 6 in turkey breast on honey oat with veggies/no cheese and a hint of ranch dressing
• Baked Lays

Calories: 400, Fats:  6.5g, Carbs:  69g, Fiber:  7, Protein:  20g, Sodium: 1130 g

I started feeling sick again (I'm craving sodium and maybe it's potassium that I really need, idk.)

• Ramen Noodles

Calories: 361, Fats:  15.6g, Carbs:  45.7g, Fiber:  2.4g, Protein:  7.2g, Sodium: 1275 g

My journey continues...

I'm not sure where to start my blog other than to say this... My weightloss journey has been exciting, and challenging.  I've had some super hi-highs (running an entire 5k without stopping) and devastatingly lo-lows (regaining 25lbs after springing my SI joint.)  I've had more than one moment where I wanted to give up.  I've spiraled out of control and had terrible days of eating where I wanted to drown my disappointment and frustration in a bucket of Krazy Cookie Dough ice cream.  Had my trainer not pulled me off the ledge a couple times, I would've seriusly contemplated quitting.  Where would that have left me?  Right back with all of my bad, compulsive habits - miserable and even more overweight.

As I regain my normal healthy weight, it's hard for me to imagine a moment where I won't feel like the 'girl in the fat suit' any more.  I think there is a chubby kid hiding in a lot of people.  Me included.  I have to hope that as my weight steadily goes down, and my physical endurance and strength continues to go up, that even if she doesn't go away, that chubby little girl will learn to stay quiet and stop being so afraid.

My journey isn't over.  There is still weight to lose, goals to reach, and challenges to be overcome.  Tomorrow is just another day (how very Scarlet of me I know.) 

Stay tuned and I will update you on my goals.  I was gonna do 100 goals in 1001 days but that's too long for me, so I have plans for a modified list.  I will also be sharing my daily workout schedule; details from my daily foodlog (with a few pictures for emphasis); all the classes I have plans to try; a couple reviews; and I'll even tell you about my fabu trainer.  See you tomorrow...

Hugs ~ Kiki